The beginning

To start off, I don't know why I am writing this, but despite the fact that I have friends who I love and trust, I still feel lonely and that there is nobody that I can talk to about some things. I am so scared of being judged and sometimes I feel guilty for being so unhappy when there are people with problems so much worse than my own, but even that thought can't cheer me up because the thought of their sadness just makes me feel even worse, and then I feel guilty for thinking of myself, even looking through this blog so far all the 'me's' and 'I's' stand out, but nobody I know will ever see this so who is really going to judge me apart from myself?

I think that I am generally an optimistic person. I always like to see the best in people and feel that situations will work themselves out, but I still have doubts and insecurities that eat away at me. I have a nervous disorder and sometimes for weeks at a time I can't eat or sleep, and I constantly feel ill, just because I am so worried about life in general - I don't know what would happen if I had a genuine reason for worry on top of this. I don't know how to deal with it, when my happiness is based so much on that of those around me, making it out of my reach and control. I feel like I'm grasping to push the swing in front of me, but each time it swings further and further away until I'm left on the other side of the playground, past the gates and far away from all my hopes, with nothing left.

The fact that my best friend knows me better than I know myself doesn't reassure me, but just scares me that if I don't know myself by now, will I ever? It scares me more when she points out my bad points, and I see that it's true, even though they aren't the ones I had nominated for myself. I am too self conscious to be myself around new people, because I am so scared they won't like me - but if they dislike me for the person who I'm not, at least it's not an insult, it just leaves me where I was before, and this is the reason I will never have a boyfriend who I genuinely like, because when I really like someone I get even more insecure.

I can't tell anybody my troubles because I even get self-conscious about talking about myself. There are probably three people in the world who truly know me, there used to be more but I pushed them away because I am so picky. I try to battle everything myself but in the end I just explode and try to tear a hole in myself, but then every time I wake up on the garden table the morning after, thinking that I'm free, but I always have to go back inside, and here I am, inside once again. I always want more than what I have,  but all I really want is freedom. I don't want to have to go to school, to work, to earn money, to live in a house, to act within the restraints of what everyone considers 'acceptable'. All I really want is to roam around the country that is mine and do what pleases me, not others, even if it is selfish, I know that, but everyone is selfish, it comes naturally no matter how much they may try and conceal it, and give away their possessions, at the end of the day people put themselves first, although there are people who I would die for.

So basically I don't know who I am or where I stand or where everything is going, I just can't hold it all in any longer.